You shall not hurt me again

I woke up at 4:00 am and she was still in my mind.
My eyes drifted to my table to her letter. I don't want to read it again. I know I shouldn't and so I kept my head on my pillow and closed my eyes.
It's amazing how at the same time I realized how self-absorbed she is, I also admitted to myself that no one can replace her. I'll never love the same way again.
So this is how it feels to get my heartbroken repeatedly, pummeled several pieces and when I thought I can nurse my wounds and finally heal, here it goes again.

All she ever thought about is herself. What she needed, what she wanted. What was my sin? I was with her for more than half of my life. How can I forget? How can I move on? The saddest moment was realizing she never

She'll never hurt me again, I vowed to myself. She can't come near my heart again. The bludgeoning stops now.

I got up, went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I looked at my eyes, blood shot from crying and my scarlet nose. I have to stand tall from this, I tell myself. There is no other alternative. The proverbial "Sink or Swim".

She never loved me. I just happened to be there for the last ten years to hold her and be with her, but I was deluding myself.

The hurting should stop now, I thought as I cold water from the shower poured on my face. I have to get out of here.

Crying

As to why we needed an engagement party, is beyond me. I only agreed to organize it so I don't have to be in entourage.
Come on, it would really mean a lot to us, Danica said.
This was right after she showed me what the "entourage" will wear knowing well that I'd take a serious death threat to make me wear something "formal".
If you don't want to, you don't have to, Danica pouted when she saw the grimace on my face. My brother gave me a threatening look that as she tried to appease his fiancee.
Well what if I just organize the engagement party and the reception, I offered.
Oh that is so wonderful! she exclaimed.
Are you sure it's not so much trouble?
My usual sensible brother seem to have lost it by choosing this woman.
And so I was stuck.
I looked outside on the San Francisco skyline and congratulated myself on booking this venue. The Bay Bridge is still spectacular no matter how many times I see it, it also never fails to soothe me specially in this time of stress.
I looked around the room again and there she is. It's amazing how people can be together for a long time and then one day wake up one day and have to say it's over. I spent my whole adult life with her, and now I don't know who I am.
I clenched my fist and tried to fight back the lump in my throat. I know I am quite red now even though I've only had one glass of wine. I walked over to my parents' table.
Ma, I have to go, I'm not feeling well, I said.
Well what am I supposed to do? she said with an alarmed look on her face.
Nothing, just tell James.
I walked out of the hall and found the elevator.
I hope she doesn't see me like this. I thought frantically wiping my tears with the handkerchief I fished from my pocket. It was one she gave me 2 years ago.
The rest of my travel was a blur. I didn't know how I could have driven that night. Luckily I took tha BART and my apartment wasn't that far away from the South City Station.
I loved her. Maybe there really is such a thing as too much love.

at the party

I can't believe her nerve to come up to me like that. This is my event, mine!
OK. This is actually my brother's engagement party, but I organized it!
I really can't blame her, she was invited too. That was back when we were still a "couple". She is free to come as she pleases after all.
There are just moments that I want to lash out at her.
I went to the bathroom and looked at my face. Did she notice I lost weight? I wondered. I felt the urge to splash water over my face but quickly noticed there weren't enough paper towels. Some hotel this is.
I walk back to the party, smiled at people I recognized but forgot their first names. Belonging in a large community of expatriate Filipinos meant I can disguise my not knowing their names by calling elder people "auntie" and "uncle" and giving a quick peck and hug. This was a mixed party though, with more white people than usual. Of course Danica and James would invite people as many white people as possible. Typical of them to wash their hands off the "fresh off the boat" smell. I don't know what my brother saw in that pretentious woman.
I checked with the waiters to see if they sent out the rest of the hor d' ovres. She said, not yet. I made a mental note of it. I checked the program to see what is next. Tina Cruz and Jun Santos are singing after the toast. I scanned the room for them.
Why do I always have to see her? Why is she always in the middle of the room?
There she is smiling with a group of our friends, laughing at something Sherryl said, while she tuck her hair behind her ear. She glanced at me and I quickly looked away.
Toast!
Someone said.
I quickly came back to reality and signaled the bestman and maid-of-honor. This just an engagement party, the wedding is next week but these people didn't even wait till then to be totally useless.
Why am I in such a bad mood?

the aftermath

I can't say I didn't like it, of course I did. Seeing her once again agitated those proverbial butterflies in my stomach. I admit I enjoy the attention.
How are you, she says.
I'm fine.
I tried to look casual and unaffected. I'm glad I am wearing something decent. She looked amazing. I mean, she was wearing that red dress and it took all my will power not to touch her. I haven't seen you in a while, she says. After.. you know... She trailed off her speech, I'm almost certain she did that on purpose, as a trap.
Yeah, I've been busy, I said as I run my fingers through my hair, as I always do when I'm uneasy, and of course she knows that. What does want me to say? Sorry? For loving her for fifteen years?
Well it was nice seeing you again, she said.
I said nothing.
I looked down at the cocktail I've holding. I never liked to drink alcohol anyway, but I figured I might as well get numbed right now.